On a walk with my good friend (who is also a wonderful therapist), we were talking about relationships and the experience of getting activated by our partners and loved ones, how we become flooded with emotions and it can feel like someone is taking over our bodies temporarily. Have you ever been in a heated argument with your partner or loved one, only to realize later that your reaction seemed disproportionate to the situation?
We might find ourselves stomping our feet, slamming a door, yelling, or behaving as an upset child or teenager. Perhaps a minor comment or action set off a cascade of emotions that felt oddly familiar, but that is rooted in something beyond the present moment. This phenomenon can be understood through the lens of the nervous system—a remarkable but sometimes unrelenting time traveler.
How the Nervous System Becomes a Time Machine
Our nervous system is designed to protect us. It constantly scans the environment for threats, both physical and emotional, using past experiences as a blueprint to assess current situations. When we encounter something that resembles a past hurt or trauma, our brain often activates implicit memories—the unconscious, non-verbal memories stored deep in the limbic system. Unlike explicit memories, which we can recall consciously, implicit memories arise as gut feelings, emotional reactions, or body sensations.
Neuroscience provides insight into how this works. The amygdala, a key player in the brain's emotional processing center, acts as an alarm system. When triggered, it sends a distress signal to the hypothalamus, which activates the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response. This process happens almost instantaneously, bypassing the prefrontal cortex, which is the area of the bring that allows for reasonable thinking, problem-solving, and executive functioning.
The nervous system stores all of our previous experiences and can bring them up at any time, forming instant associations between current experiences and the past, with the intent of finding a relatable situation to help us navigate and survive in the present moment. In essence, our nervous system "time travels" to the past, pulling us into old emotional landscapes as though they were happening now.
Triggers and the Role of Parts
Relationships often serve as mirrors, reflecting unresolved wounds from our past. For instance, a partner's neutral tone might remind us of a dismissive parent, or a friend's delayed text might evoke feelings of abandonment from childhood. These triggers are not about the present moment; they are echoes of the past, amplified by our nervous system's time-traveling tendencies.
When implicit memories take over, they often bring along specific "parts" of ourselves. According to parts work—an approach rooted in Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy—these parts represent younger, vulnerable aspects of ourselves that carry unresolved emotions or unmet needs. For example, a "hurt child" part may emerge when we feel dismissed, or a "protector" part might step in with anger to shield us from further pain. These parts can feel as though they take complete control of us temporarily, with a strong, visceral reaction, or overwhelming urge or feeling in the body. Often, these parts are trying to get our needs met, but the strategies and adaptations that worked for us as children no longer serve us, and we overreact to the current situation, and hurt ourselves or others.
The Science of Activation
Activation occurs when a trigger sets off a physiological response in the nervous system. This might include a racing heart, shallow breathing, or a surge of adrenaline. These physical reactions often reinforce the emotional experience, making it difficult to distinguish past from present, and creating a sense of urgency to act quickly, without thinking things through.
Studies in neuroscience reveal that the hippocampus, responsible for contextualizing memories, often "goes offline" during intense emotional activation. Without the hippocampus to anchor us in the present, the amygdala's alarm feels like the whole truth, and our negativity bias as humans will often hone in on painful past experiences when we are in a state of activation. This explains why we might see only the bad in something, and feel completely justified in our reactions, even when they don't align with the present situation.
Navigating Internal Time Travel Through Parts Work
Recognizing the nervous system's time-traveling tendencies and the role of parts is the first step in healing and breaking free from adaptations that are no longer working for us. Here are some strategies:
Pause and Ground Yourself: When you feel activated, pause and focus on grounding techniques such as deep breathing, hugging yourself, noticing your surroundings, or feeling your feet on the ground. This helps signal to your nervous system that you are safe in the present moment.
Identify and Acknowledge Your Parts: Take a moment to notice which part of you has been activated. You might say to yourself, "I see that my hurt child part is here" or "My protector part is very angry right now." Naming the part helps you observe it without becoming overwhelmed by it.
Stay Curious and Compassionate: Approach your parts with curiosity rather than judgment. Ask questions like, "What is this part trying to protect me from?" or "What does this part need right now?" Recognizing that each part has a purpose—even if its strategies to get needs met are outdated—can foster self-compassion.
Validate and Reassure Your Parts: Validate the hurt or pain that the part is feeling, without condoning unhealthy behavior. Let your parts know that your adult self is present, supportive, and capable of handling the situation. For example, "Thank you for trying to protect me, but I’ve got this now. You’re safe." This reassures parts that they don’t need to take control.
Communicate With Your Partner: Share your experience in a way that invites understanding. For example, "I realized that a part of me felt dismissed when you said that. It reminded me of something from my past, and I’m working through it." This approach fosters connection and reduces blame.
Seek Support and Integration: Practices like therapy, journaling, or mindfulness can help you connect with your parts, build a sense of inner safety and trust, and integrate their unmet needs into your present-day self. Over time, this reduces the intensity of triggers and creates internal resilience.
Conclusion
Understanding the nervous system as a time traveler and recognizing the role of parts can transform the way we navigate relationships. By disentangling the past from the present and staying curious about our internal world, we can foster deeper self-awareness and more compassionate connections within our self and with others.
The next time you feel yourself "time traveling" during a conflict, remember: you are not your younger self, and your parts are trying to help in the best way they know how. With practice and support, you can guide your nervous system and parts to remain in the present, creating a more grounded and connected way of living.
コメント